Now for the most horrible dresses that should have never seen the red carpet, ever. It wasn’t even halfway through the E! red carpet show when I realized how horrible it was. Some of these women are so beautiful, and it’s totally pathetic how epic the FAIL was. Like Zoe Saldana up there. She’s styled by Rachel Zoe, and both of them should have known better. I don’t care who designed it. You don’t show up at the damn Oscars with bathmats sewn to the bottom of your Oscar dress. Period. The end.

I don’t even know why Nicole Richie was there. But I know she looked like a 50-something Connecticut housewife hostessing a key party in 1975. Ridiculous.

This dress is so ridiculously fug, I don’t have words. And I think Diane Kruger is a gorgeous woman with the most delicate, fragile beauty. Why would she do this to herself?

Ah, Rose Boobs Theron. That is who she is now. Never Charlize. Always Rose Boobs. This dress is in such bad taste!

Amanda Seyfried is a little mini-Uma Thurman, but this washed-out, bad-bodiced dress does nothing for her or for me. Amanda has boobs! Why would dress like you’re flat-chested? And why the horrible pale color if you’re already so pale? Eh.

Can I just do “no comment” with Miley Cyrus and her mom Trish? This sh-t is horrible. I know people like this exist, but why would you invite it to the Oscars? Between Miley hunching over the entire time, to her talking like she was chomping down on her cud, to Trish’s whole “Real Housewives of the Trailer Park” look, the Academy needs to stop inviting these people.

I hated Vera Farmiga’s dress with a passion. It looked so, so cheap. It looked like the worst poly-blend fabric (in a cheap color) that was chemically stiffened to make her look fat. It’s Marchesa. The name says it all: cheap knock-off.

Now, I didn’t hate Maggie Gyllenhaal’s dress, per se. I might have liked it, or appreciated how unusual and interesting it was if she wore it to a premiere rather than the Oscars. But it wasn’t the right dress for the occasion, and it’s not “pretty”. Which is fine, not every dress has to be princess-style. But the fabric seemed off, didn’t it? Like it was shower curtain fabric.

Suzy Amis (wife of James Cameron) was fighting for worst dressed of the evening. I’m not going to comment on how deathly she looks, because I really do worry that she’s actually sick, but beyond that, the dress is just terrible.

Now, I didn’t really have a hate-on for Carey Mulligan’s dress. The top part was lovely. But I didn’t like the mullet-style for a formal Oscar gown (short in front, long in back). I’m sure it’s high fashion, but to me, it seemed off.

Oh, Sarah Jessica Parker, you crazy bitch. I get the feeling that SJP will literally wear anything if it has the “Chanel” label inside. You could hand her a dress made out of towels, chicken wire and bedazzles, and if it said “Chanel”, SJP would think it was high-fashion. Needless to say, this was a horrible look. She looked dumpy and pregnant, her hair was a train wreck and she seemed drunk and desperate.

Haha, let’s enjoy Elisabetta Canalis while we can, because she’s not going to around for much longer. The dress was meh - it would have been prettier on a different woman (like, say, Zoe Saldana), and it would have been nice if was wrinkled to hell by the time she got on the red carpet. But my favorite part of this look is the f-cking attitude. Did everyone notice how Canalis pouted and looked pissy whenever no one was paying attention to her? She really looked like a f-cking brat. Also, Clooney was badly styled, and he looked drunk, tired and old. Probably from putting up with Canalis’ bullsh-t.

I didn’t really hate Anna Kendrick’s dress either, it was kind of lovely, especially for such a young girl. But the color was off, I thought. It washed her out and she just seemed to fade away.

I love Faith Hill, but I hated this dress. It looked so age-inappropriate and situation-inappropriate to me. Black lace? Really?

CB liked Kate Winslet’s dress, but I thought it looked so cheap. The corset was a different color from the skirt, and both colors sucked. What was with the weird puckering or pleats around the waist? Meh. But her hair and makeup look good.

Seriously, wasn’t this one of the worst red carpets ever?